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Home:Crystal Ball
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Name: Clawed and Shadow
Occupation: Chewtoy.
Current Hobbies:
RPGs!
AIM: MadClawed
45.3% corrupt
And the silence of the shining stone
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28.0% pyro-pure
34% wierdness-pure
81.8% insane
66.6% pure gamer
like the shattering crystal of the poet cries:
"I the enigma undefined,
the error of my age;
the players and the play defamed
that tread a timeless stage.
Ay! both hero and the rake,
of tragedy and of comic parts;
the dirge at many a wake
and the wit that veins the farce."
Oscar Wilde
Aaaaaaaaah, the new year. A time of reflection, of making plans, and saying farewell to the memories of the previous year; a joyful time, for spending time with family and friends and indulging a bit more than would normally be done during the rest of the year; a time for the world to make itseld anew.
Yeah, right. For this little college student, it's the same as always. To open up one's grade report and finiancial statment and say "Heaven lend me patience and money."
Here I sit, facing another Christmas of mediocre grades and more expenses than I counted on.
The holidays are an interesting time for me. I love Christmas, one of the few people I know that really does, and all the familyness, hyper-excitedness, and general insanity that the Holidays encompass.
On the other hand, Christmas means a month with my family, and my grades. This year is no exception to the rule- the good grades are cancelled out by the big, fat, bad one. Which wouldn't be so bad, except the financial statement rolls around, and I'm left with 'You still have three semesters (if I can swing it) to fund and what are you going to do about money?' argument.
The internal voice says "if you weren't so blasted territorial you could take a roommate." Then the other internal voice says "You'd hate it."
unfortunately, they're both right.
And my parents don't help. Inbetween the 'parental advice' (read, lectures) on Money and the Evil of Student Loans (which I'd have to take out anyway for grad school) and the 'If You Planned Better You'd Have More Cash' speech, I get the "you have to pass these classes, you know" lecture. As if I weren't painfully aware of my grades already. I used to be an honor student. Now I work my butt off to pass some of these things.
I hate opening my email anymore. Half of it's spam, and a large percentage of the rest of it is email from NAU on various things. I face losing one of my jobs if I can't find a lab... no one seems to have room for an undergrad. But at least I still have the other. *is very thankful*
And I know my situation isn't as bleak as I make it seem. It's just that I'd be less depressed if I didn't have to deal with the other junk that goes on. The soap operas that make up my life.
Sitting in church sunday morning, our pastor was out of town, so one of the Elders did the service. The sermon deal wtih "where are you going", and one of the questions that was put forward was "What can you take from the last year?"
I took a good look at the last year.
Now, there are bright spots. I had fun, and got to know several people well, who have since become very dear friends to me.
I also honed my skills, to a certain extent, as a Game Master and discovered a love for the game.
aside from that... There would be nothing that I could not confidently do again if the last year were to be wiped out and redone. I would risk the possibility of changing the good things to wipe out all the bad things that happened.
But, it's three AM here and I, in my usual fit of insomnia that I can never completely shake, am thinking "what is going to make this year that much different?"
I know, I know. Those of you who know me well are going to come back to me on this and reccommend counselling or something, the "Clawed, this doesn't sound like you" bit. And you're probably right. But I have to wonder... what am I coming back to?
Something in me has vanished, and for a long time, I couldn't put my finger on it. But, the other day, I can't even remember now what I was doing, I realized what it was. Somehow, along the last few years, my drive has dissappeared. Once upon a time, there was nothing I couldn't do. Anything I wanted I could forge for myself. I'm afraid that I've become a failure.
The trouble is, I don't know if I have the strength of will to push myself back to that standard. So much of my strength has gone into other things of late, that I don't know if I even remember how to deal with the stuff that comes after the dealing with the things life throws at you.
I'm tired of the soap operas, and having to brace myself each day to deal with unkown things that other people are going to force on me. I'm tired of having to put myself back together every morning so that I can fall apart at night where people can't see. I'm tired of being tired.
It's going to sound cold, but I'm tired of people.
This may be a little odd. And a few of you might be offended by it. But my new years resolution is to find that willpower again. I know I can never go back to being the person I was three years ago. But since only a handful, or fewer of you knew me then, it shouldn't be a problem. What it means, is that instead of just talking about finding myself, I'm going to actively try and do it.
This may mean changes for me. Becuse my parents (in all their stubborn, narrowmindedness) are the only people that I am going to actively try to mold my own actions, at least, to their expectations.
One last philosophical thing. Because it's new years, and I can do that if I want to.
I want your support. And your friendship, and whatever else you want to give me.
I do not want the grand emotional displays of the past. Perhaps we can all benefit from a little backing off of the deep, deep meaningfullness a bit.
That said...
Happy 2003. May it be better than you hope for.
Life is what you make of it, nothing more and nothing less. If you are unhappy or unsatisfied, the fault is not in the world, but in yourself. Believe me, for I learned that lesson in one of the most painful ways possible.